Bondage Of Self

One of the prayers we say in ETA has this line: "...Relieve me of the bondage of self ..."

Knowing that most of my readers are every bit as ill and irreverent as myself, I feel compelled to say: This does Not mean that we have to get rid of all those 'toys' in our closets. It means something else entirely.

Back when I was newly sober, I thought bondage of self was synonymous with selfish and self-centeredness. And it does mean that, it just doesn't mean only that. Bondage of self refers to the things that I get so focused on that I'm unavailable to do God's will. For example.

I get up late on the morning on which I usually attend an early morning meeting. I hate being late to a meeting, so I fly through the house frantically trying to get ready. I scream at the dog for walking slowly down the hall in front of me. I shout orders and demand that all family members present join in making coffee, stay out of the bathroom, look for my keys, etc. I have set the whole household in an uproar because, otherwise, I'm going to be late to an ETA meeting. I jump into my car and race wildly through the streets, disregarding traffic laws and cursing other drivers because I should always be on time.

Who says I can't be late for the meeting? Uh.. That would be me. I've started my day and, perhaps, an other's day with chaos and negativity because of some rule that I set for myself.

And for what purpose? So I can be there in time for the Serenity Prayer? (Hint: this is insane behavior.)

When I start saying "I should've", "I could've" or "I would've" chances are I'm in bondage of self. The prayer goes on to ask the old HP to take away my difficulties, the ones I cause myself with the afore mentioned bondage. When I'm all wrapped up in following my own rules and/or my own sense of how things ought to be and/or what I think others expect of me, I am unavailable to do God's will and I start having difficulties. I am tied up with bonds of my own making and then placed upon myself, AKA bondage of self. I am so skilled at fashioning and fastening these bonds that I need the old HP to rescue me. Then I can say (and mean), "Thy will, not mine, be done" and be free to do so.

Have a good and sober day.