Who's Running The Show?

Most chronic alcoholics are doomed.  It says this in the Alcoholics Anonymous literature and, as a result of my own experience, I know this to be true.  As sad and tragic as it is, alcoholics and drug addicts have a disease that will probably kill them.  I don't know the statistics but very few of us get clean and sober and remain that way for the rest of our days.  It's such a shame.


Not only am I an alcoholic and a drug addict, but I really like alcoholics and drug addicts (clean and sober) in general.  We are fun to be with, laugh at ourselves and are genuinely entertained by our crazy behaviors.  Most of us are fans of the absurd and refuse to take things too seriously.  I like getting to know the newcomer, offering hope and walking the sometimes treacherous path of recovery together.  That is one of the best feelings I've ever experienced.


The problem, for me, seams to be that most alcoholics/drug addicts are doomed.  People are going to die of this disease and there is nothing I can do to prevent it from happening.  Lately, I have found myself picking up some old behaviors.  I've been working with a couple of pigeons and had been discouraged by a lack of progress.  I find them to be delightful.  I enjoy being around them.  We are often able, intelligent, friendly people - it says that in the literature, too.  I want them to get and stay sober more than they want sobriety for themselves.  There isn't anything I can do to change that, either.


Old behavior for me is trying to cram the message of recovery down their throats because I KNOW they will be happier clean and sober.  I put in lots of time praying for them (praying, not necessarily listening!).  I want so much for the light bulb to come on in their dark little skulls: perhaps I'll drill just a few small holes.  I offer them all these snippets of advice: what they should, could or would be like if only....  I scold them when they don't pay attention during meetings: kicking them under the table or snapping my fingers in front of their drooping eyelids.  In short, I force feed recovery to them and am then stunned when they spit it back out.  This process is completed over and over gaining me no sense of ease and comfort.  How could they not want what I have?!


So! Recognizing an agitation was percolating deep inside, I talk with Barbie, another clean and sober member of ETA.  I pour out all my frustrations and fears and ask her to help me sort out the cause.  I even told her the problem might be me, though, privately, I knew better. (After all, I have worked the steps, you know!)


Do you want to know what my (now) former friend Barbie had to say?  Are you ready for this?  "Sounds like you are doing the footwork and leaving the outcome up to you.  That is the old HP's job.  The outcome belongs to Him.  We plant the seed.  How things grow from there is none of our business."  I was shocked by her lack of insight.  Why did I ever call her?  Then this great big poopy went on to say that ETA is a program of attraction, not promotion and were my actions attracting them to the ETA way of life?  Well!  I ground out an insincere "Thank you" and hung up.


Later on I had a little chat with the old HP.  "Barbie said I was trying to apply for Your job again.  What is that about?  Surely I'm not trying to run the show!  That's old behavior.  I unloaded it.  We already dealt with that years ago.  I thought we were checked off on that?"


The response?  "Evidently not.  You picked it back up again."  I wonder when the old HP is gonna unload the smart aleck comebacks.


Have a good and sober day.